Oh God - I became THAT girl - PART 1

About three years ago, I saw what I like to call THAT girl in my favorite Starbucks on Olympic and Doheny in Beverly Hills.  If you've been to Starbucks on Olympic and Doheny you know:   1.  magical universe moments happen there beyond the coffee, and 2.  you see lots of celebrities.  There's even valet parking.  At a coffee shop.  WTF.

Anyhoo,  I was ordering my grande dark roast with whipped when in walked one of the world's most famous actresses.  I'm not one to name names so I will just tell you she was the 'it' girl in the '80s and early '90s known for taking risks and kicking ass in her roles.  She radiated femininity, strength and confidence on the big screen and seemed so happy in interviews.

But not on that day.

On that day, the woman I witnessed was shy and unconfident clinging to her then husband - also an actor - who seemed to care for her but she didn't seem sure of herself with him.  Like he wasn't loving her in the way she really needed.  Or she suspected he wasn't who he presented himself as.  Or maybe not really giving her his presence.  Her light seemed dimmer.  Now granted I don't know this woman or this man, but a woman just knows how another woman feels and acts and it seemed like there was something about their dynamic that made her question her worth.  Or maybe he triggered that question of self worth that was already in her.

I don't know their story I just know to see this bright shining light dim made me so very sad.

The next time I saw THAT girl was on a short vacation I took at the holidays with a group of people including the then love of my life.  One of the couples was a nervous nice guy and his full of life girlfriend.  While he overworked and isolated himself from the festivities, she laughed and told stories, met us for drinks and played games until all hours of the night.  She was gregarious and although not traditionally pretty, she had that free flowing feminine energy that made her sexy and attractive - a bright light - like that actress probably was pre-Starbucks.  But an interesting thing happened when her man came around.  He totally ignored here and her light immediately dimmed.  She seemed to doubt herself.  Suddenly, this fun happy woman became clingy, emotional and overly dramatic.  It was as if all of that beautiful light energy didn't know what to do with itself, it became scared because it wasn't being held safe with the person she wanted most to notice and cherish her beauty.  Maybe he didn't know how, maybe somewhere along the way her behavior confused him and he mislabeled her as unhappy and stopped caring.

I don't know the cause of her dismay or his disconnect. What I  do know is I saw yet another bright shining feminine light dim and doubt herself and it made me so very sad.

I know their light because mine is bright too.  I knew what I wanted back then and what I didn't and from that place of graciousness, inner peace, and happiness I met the man who became my dear sweet love.  We couldn't get enough of each other - I called him my tree and I was his wind.  He was strong and stable and this made me feel safe to dance my energy around him and laugh and play and be all of myself.  He wanted to take care of me and have a little family.  I wanted that too, I thought.  So I packed up my life of 19 years in Los Angeles, left the dearest friends you could have/my foundation and my creative world and set sail for a Northern California town, population 40,000 to be with him.

And almost as soon I arrived, I started to become THAT girl.

- Part II coming soon...