i've thought about this before. i'm thinking about it now. that's how i roll.
you know that great energy you feel for someone when you fall in love? well what happens to that energy when you are no longer together? does it get transferred to someone else? does it become a different energy like hate, disgust, indifference, like, etc.?
i'm thinking the second happens. that all emotions are an energy and that you can't possibly love someone so much and just have that die - that seems so terrible to me. so perhaps the energy just morphs into something else.
it still seems sad to me. i am a romantic and i would like to think that no one would ever stop loving me even though i have stopped loving people.
tell me your thoughts - i'm curious.
Friday, May 30, 2014
Friday, February 14, 2014
no part two, new pondering
i don't feel like writing part two to my last blog. everybody becomes THAT girl at some point - needy, grasping, lost touch with oneself. shit happens. we feel pain. we get to point where we can't tolerate it. we learn the lesson (hopefully - ps i'm good at that part) and we grow to next place.
so that's that.
let's talk about aging.
why you ask? well, it's been on my mind. i know this is earth shattering - a woman aging and talking about it - listen kids, it's friday night, i'm listening to old george michael music and this is it. i also just went to the bathroom and had minor incontinence.
here's the thing - i was the pretty girl. it was a big part of my identity and as i climb this hill i embrace the wisdom and i feel so much more in tune with myself - but is it still attractive - TO ME??? do I feel as attractive? the short answer is yes.
and just an aside - i was going to write this blog by candelight just for extra pretense and to channel women from the past to tap into their wisdom. but i kept the lights. hang on, i'm gonna shut them off. be right back...
okay now i'm just scared here in the dark. jesus. i will see what sylvia plath or some other name i can remember from books i never read has to say about all of this -
they say - do this - what i am doing right now - let it out - let the voice out. the voice is the liberator from the body, from the age, from the bullshit that is partially true about being desired and lack of desire. and that the desire of oneself, the appreciation of oneself is ultimately what matters because we are stuck with THIS self, this voice, this body, this time. and this voice that is authentic to just me - THIS is what is attractive, my truth is attractive. i don't need women's literature or to burn my bra to know this - though i appreciate the efforts. it is in my vulnerability that i recapture this feminine part of me that feels so lost sometimes in the shuffle of life - when i become everything - breadwinner, man, woman, everything - i don't want to be it all and yet i do - i know i can do it but will HE - the man i am with - will he be able to hold space for all of me???? will HE feel like enough??? i think about that. and i think about becoming more self sufficient and how i will show him i need him, how i will reveal this part of me. and the voices in the dark say - nothing - they are saying nothing right now - because i am trying too hard to make a point. and the truth and being in flow is the key to all of this - JUST LET IT OUT - LET THE VOICE OUT of tara, and that is where beauty is.
she likes to keep writing - she wants you to know her - she kept so much inside for so long and didn't know of this voice - she knew it but it didn't have an outlet - and now it feels the outlet in these keys and wants to tell you about her. she wants to stop too to keep herself protected but really no, she wants you to be let in - to think she's cool, and a good writer, and creative and more than just 9-5 sally and that she is big and doesn't have boundaries and is like the wind and flows and wants to be free to flow everywhere. that is her essence. that is all of HER essences, not just tara's. and THAT is where there is no boundary to age. let's be real - the wrinkles might not look that great, he might not look at you in the same way but that wind THAT is you - it is the same wind that ran through you as a little girl when you played and screamed and cried and laughed and it was all in the same second - and you played with mud and dolls and wanted to be a Sears cashier with long glamorous nails so you played in your room with your imaginary customers and cash register and press on nails - and you WERE her - you were beautiful and maybe 30 and wore perfume and your hair up - AND you were five or eight - all at once. THAT is what is in you and wants to carry you through this experience. you found it - and you can feel it leaving now. so when it comes you will capture it but not to bind it but to give expression to her, tara.
so that's that.
let's talk about aging.
why you ask? well, it's been on my mind. i know this is earth shattering - a woman aging and talking about it - listen kids, it's friday night, i'm listening to old george michael music and this is it. i also just went to the bathroom and had minor incontinence.
here's the thing - i was the pretty girl. it was a big part of my identity and as i climb this hill i embrace the wisdom and i feel so much more in tune with myself - but is it still attractive - TO ME??? do I feel as attractive? the short answer is yes.
and just an aside - i was going to write this blog by candelight just for extra pretense and to channel women from the past to tap into their wisdom. but i kept the lights. hang on, i'm gonna shut them off. be right back...
okay now i'm just scared here in the dark. jesus. i will see what sylvia plath or some other name i can remember from books i never read has to say about all of this -
they say - do this - what i am doing right now - let it out - let the voice out. the voice is the liberator from the body, from the age, from the bullshit that is partially true about being desired and lack of desire. and that the desire of oneself, the appreciation of oneself is ultimately what matters because we are stuck with THIS self, this voice, this body, this time. and this voice that is authentic to just me - THIS is what is attractive, my truth is attractive. i don't need women's literature or to burn my bra to know this - though i appreciate the efforts. it is in my vulnerability that i recapture this feminine part of me that feels so lost sometimes in the shuffle of life - when i become everything - breadwinner, man, woman, everything - i don't want to be it all and yet i do - i know i can do it but will HE - the man i am with - will he be able to hold space for all of me???? will HE feel like enough??? i think about that. and i think about becoming more self sufficient and how i will show him i need him, how i will reveal this part of me. and the voices in the dark say - nothing - they are saying nothing right now - because i am trying too hard to make a point. and the truth and being in flow is the key to all of this - JUST LET IT OUT - LET THE VOICE OUT of tara, and that is where beauty is.
she likes to keep writing - she wants you to know her - she kept so much inside for so long and didn't know of this voice - she knew it but it didn't have an outlet - and now it feels the outlet in these keys and wants to tell you about her. she wants to stop too to keep herself protected but really no, she wants you to be let in - to think she's cool, and a good writer, and creative and more than just 9-5 sally and that she is big and doesn't have boundaries and is like the wind and flows and wants to be free to flow everywhere. that is her essence. that is all of HER essences, not just tara's. and THAT is where there is no boundary to age. let's be real - the wrinkles might not look that great, he might not look at you in the same way but that wind THAT is you - it is the same wind that ran through you as a little girl when you played and screamed and cried and laughed and it was all in the same second - and you played with mud and dolls and wanted to be a Sears cashier with long glamorous nails so you played in your room with your imaginary customers and cash register and press on nails - and you WERE her - you were beautiful and maybe 30 and wore perfume and your hair up - AND you were five or eight - all at once. THAT is what is in you and wants to carry you through this experience. you found it - and you can feel it leaving now. so when it comes you will capture it but not to bind it but to give expression to her, tara.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Oh God - I became THAT girl - PART 1
About three years ago, I saw what I like to call THAT girl in my favorite Starbucks on Olympic and Doheny in Beverly Hills. If you've been to Starbucks on Olympic and Doheny you know: 1. magical universe moments happen there beyond the coffee, and 2. you see lots of celebrities. There's even valet parking. At a coffee shop. WTF.
Anyhoo, I was ordering my grande dark roast with whipped when in walked one of the world's most famous actresses. I'm not one to name names so I will just tell you she was the 'it' girl in the '80s and early '90s known for taking risks and kicking ass in her roles. She radiated femininity, strength and confidence on the big screen and seemed so happy in interviews.
But not on that day.
On that day, the woman I witnessed was shy and unconfident clinging to her then husband - also an actor - who seemed to care for her but she didn't seem sure of herself with him. Like he wasn't loving her in the way she really needed. Or she suspected he wasn't who he presented himself as. Or maybe not really giving her his presence. Her light seemed dimmer. Now granted I don't know this woman or this man, but a woman just knows how another woman feels and acts and it seemed like there was something about their dynamic that made her question her worth. Or maybe he triggered that question of self worth that was already in her.
I don't know their story I just know to see this bright shining light dim made me so very sad.
The next time I saw THAT girl was on a short vacation I took at the holidays with a group of people including the then love of my life. One of the couples was a nervous nice guy and his full of life girlfriend. While he overworked and isolated himself from the festivities, she laughed and told stories, met us for drinks and played games until all hours of the night. She was gregarious and although not traditionally pretty, she had that free flowing feminine energy that made her sexy and attractive - a bright light - like that actress probably was pre-Starbucks. But an interesting thing happened when her man came around. He totally ignored here and her light immediately dimmed. She seemed to doubt herself. Suddenly, this fun happy woman became clingy, emotional and overly dramatic. It was as if all of that beautiful light energy didn't know what to do with itself, it became scared because it wasn't being held safe with the person she wanted most to notice and cherish her beauty. Maybe he didn't know how, maybe somewhere along the way her behavior confused him and he mislabeled her as unhappy and stopped caring.
I don't know the cause of her dismay or his disconnect. What I do know is I saw yet another bright shining feminine light dim and doubt herself and it made me so very sad.
I know their light because mine is bright too. I knew what I wanted back then and what I didn't and from that place of graciousness, inner peace, and happiness I met the man who became my dear sweet love. We couldn't get enough of each other - I called him my tree and I was his wind. He was strong and stable and this made me feel safe to dance my energy around him and laugh and play and be all of myself. He wanted to take care of me and have a little family. I wanted that too, I thought. So I packed up my life of 19 years in Los Angeles, left the dearest friends you could have/my foundation and my creative world and set sail for a Northern California town, population 40,000 to be with him.
And almost as soon I arrived, I started to become THAT girl.
- Part II coming soon...
Anyhoo, I was ordering my grande dark roast with whipped when in walked one of the world's most famous actresses. I'm not one to name names so I will just tell you she was the 'it' girl in the '80s and early '90s known for taking risks and kicking ass in her roles. She radiated femininity, strength and confidence on the big screen and seemed so happy in interviews.
But not on that day.
On that day, the woman I witnessed was shy and unconfident clinging to her then husband - also an actor - who seemed to care for her but she didn't seem sure of herself with him. Like he wasn't loving her in the way she really needed. Or she suspected he wasn't who he presented himself as. Or maybe not really giving her his presence. Her light seemed dimmer. Now granted I don't know this woman or this man, but a woman just knows how another woman feels and acts and it seemed like there was something about their dynamic that made her question her worth. Or maybe he triggered that question of self worth that was already in her.
I don't know their story I just know to see this bright shining light dim made me so very sad.
The next time I saw THAT girl was on a short vacation I took at the holidays with a group of people including the then love of my life. One of the couples was a nervous nice guy and his full of life girlfriend. While he overworked and isolated himself from the festivities, she laughed and told stories, met us for drinks and played games until all hours of the night. She was gregarious and although not traditionally pretty, she had that free flowing feminine energy that made her sexy and attractive - a bright light - like that actress probably was pre-Starbucks. But an interesting thing happened when her man came around. He totally ignored here and her light immediately dimmed. She seemed to doubt herself. Suddenly, this fun happy woman became clingy, emotional and overly dramatic. It was as if all of that beautiful light energy didn't know what to do with itself, it became scared because it wasn't being held safe with the person she wanted most to notice and cherish her beauty. Maybe he didn't know how, maybe somewhere along the way her behavior confused him and he mislabeled her as unhappy and stopped caring.
I don't know the cause of her dismay or his disconnect. What I do know is I saw yet another bright shining feminine light dim and doubt herself and it made me so very sad.
I know their light because mine is bright too. I knew what I wanted back then and what I didn't and from that place of graciousness, inner peace, and happiness I met the man who became my dear sweet love. We couldn't get enough of each other - I called him my tree and I was his wind. He was strong and stable and this made me feel safe to dance my energy around him and laugh and play and be all of myself. He wanted to take care of me and have a little family. I wanted that too, I thought. So I packed up my life of 19 years in Los Angeles, left the dearest friends you could have/my foundation and my creative world and set sail for a Northern California town, population 40,000 to be with him.
And almost as soon I arrived, I started to become THAT girl.
- Part II coming soon...
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